i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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