cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
