Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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