a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I am available for nakedness
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
