Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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