Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
