The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
