turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
