guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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