this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
