Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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