NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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