I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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