I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
