Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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