if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
