Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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