the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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