You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
