I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize