His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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