im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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