can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
