So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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