So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
