I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize