I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
