I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
