Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
