you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
