I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
