moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize