i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
