I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
