Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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