turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
