she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
