I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
