So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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