also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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