Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
