I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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