just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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