when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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