proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize