i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Even my vagina gasped.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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