my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
