I'm so fucking centered right now
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
