I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
