is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
