but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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