My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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