A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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