I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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