there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
