Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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