Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
God gave him joint rollers for hands
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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