Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
