Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
