Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize