I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
